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Beloved Leader: November 2004

Beloved Leader

On-the-spot whimsy and wisdom from a Benevolent Despot.

Monday, November 29, 2004


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Oh, I can feel it in my toes. Before you know it, I will be rubbing elbows with all the blog greats. Dumplings for the masses! Freeze the nuclear research! Release the political prisoners! All I wanted was some attention! Glorious attention!

Hmmm...we do not have traffic jams in the DPRK. I must investigate.

h/t American Dinosaur


I keep one of those in my wallet.

Finland Has It All

My Sitemeter tells me that I have a reader in Finland...maybe many are just using the same computer. I love Finland, and not just because when Koreans say "Finnish" it sounds like "penis." That's as much fun as watching "Joanie Loves Chachi"!! I had a Finn work for me back in the 80s, where he managed my chalet on Mt. Paekdu. Daddy called him the Lapp of Luxury! LOL! Maybe when I retire, I'll buy a villa in Finland....

Finland, Finland, Finland,
The country where I want to be,
Pony trekking or camping,
Or just watching TV.
Finland, Finland, Finland.
It's the country for me.
-- Michael Palin

Dongsaeng...is that you?

Sunday, November 28, 2004

Kim Jong-Il Shot

Geez, that's all I've been hearing nowadays! I'm too damed mad to even link the stories! Geez, like you've never played paintball and never gotten any paint on you! That little homo in the Worker/Peasant Red Guard is going to do so heavy-duty mine time for running his mouth off for this! That's what I get for trying to bring quality entertainment to the masses! Next time, I'll just give them a box of leeches and a pan of mud to play with!

Now, think of Akira Fubuki, and touch yourself in a patriotic way. Chosun needs your jism to replace this crop of sorry excuses for a gene pool. Maybe she should resume our kidnapping operations, no?

Thursday, November 25, 2004

Heh, It's the Washington Freaking Times!

This capitalist propaganda came out today saying that I test lethal gas on prisoners and now some are saying that I'm an evil guy. Are you going to trust the same rag own by that religious nutjob Moonie who claimed they find bioweapons labs in Iraq? Moon is clearly a Bushpuppet-lapdog from Chon Du-hwan's murderous clique who will print anything to smear me.

And who are you Americans to talk? You test cosmetics and cleaning solvents on fluffy bunnies and cute little puppies. Of what crime are these bunnies and puppies guilty? These so-called prisoners are guilty of treason--if they even exist, but I know they don't. And what do I need with lethal gas? I have nuclear weapons now! Don't have to test those on people, do I? Or do I?

I like fluffy bunnies.

Want Some Kimchi, Little Girl?

Since you know the Democratic Peoples Republic is a sexual paradise, you might wonder if we have any vices here. I must confess that the masses here have an unhealthy preoccupation with food that I have been trying do something about. A fat population just can not muster the proper revolutionary zeal it takes to carve a Marxist utopia out of the hills of Chosun, so I have put the masses on a diet. I have dealt sternly, but fairly, with those who try to cheat on this diet (they have their choice of firing squad or hanging), but some of the more willful peasants still manage to bypass my measures. State Security informants in Wonsan report one entrepreneur actually tried to hold a lottery for the corpse of his dog, newly killed by a truck. Two chon a ticket he was collecting! This fledgling Capitalist was trying to make money off a dog he had been hoarding--just two days before, the 645th Military Unit passed through on their Dog Drive and got nothing from that neighborhood. State Security is waiting for the winner to be announced so they can swoop in, get the money, dogmeat, and the two criminals.

H/t to the Politburo Diktat

I Love These People

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More at Captain's Quarters.

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

Korean Word of the Week

Haeng mugi - Nuclear weapons. Get used to it, cowboys.

On-the-spot guidance: Usually I use McCune-R romanization of Hangul instead of the stuff KCNA uses...they're just full of themselves. In rare cases, I will just romanize it so that any dumb anglophone can't mistake it for some other pronunciation. All so you can understand me better.

Who Wants Pie?

Jeff at Beautiful Atrocities says that Asians don't like pumpkin pie. What an arrogaat, racist thing to say. Er...what's a pumpkin? It's a funny looking word...is it a pie made from incestuous appalachians? Or by them? Ew. No wonder we don't like it.

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

First North Korean Astronaut

His name: Yi Ch'on-il...a Space Ajoshi. Do not make me explain it.

Regime Change in DPRK

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Regime change? What's all this talk about regime change?
I hereby announce regime change in Democratic Peoples Republic of Korea!

Koizumi, you change with me. Bush, you change with Chirac. Blair, you change with Fox. Zapatero, you go to Denmark and change sex, you girlie man. Hahaha, I kill me sometimes.

Hey! The Poliburo noticed me! As they should.

Monday, November 22, 2004

Alexander Schmalexander

Kurt Preston at Ipse Dixit put up his top 10 military leaders of all time and doesn't even have one Korean on it! This slight will not be ignored. I will rant off-line, but now my list:

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1. Marshal Kim Il-sung, of course! He drove the imperial Japanese off the peninsula during the War of Liberation, liberated Korea several times during the War of American Aggression, and single-handedly fended off the Yankee dogs during the Cold War.

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2. Admiral Yi Sun-sin sank the imperial Japanese fleet with his armored turleships.

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3. General Sun Tsu's works of military genius are almost as widely read as my father's.

4. Ghenghis Khan conquered Europe and China in a fashion reminiscent of the Great Leader Marshal Kim Il-sung.

5. Tamarlane was pretty good.

6. Marshal Georgi Zhuikov used to send my Father May Day cards for years.

7. I can't really think of any more. It is time for my massage, any way.

Sunday, November 21, 2004

A Little Secret

I have scaled my public duties somewhat that lots of people are noticing. Hey, you try to run a country and try read 200 blogs a day! Sometimes I do not even get through the Munuvians before some staffer comes in to annoy me about a defection here, and explosion there, famine some where. I say, "Hey, Yong-nam, you handle the little shit, okay?"

Speaking of little shit, that Impostor Blog is acting screwy. I get two lines and then nothing. Could he be blocking me from reading his blog? I think a better explanation is the State Security Department put the whammy on the guy and/or his blog and have not told me yet. They probably fighting over who gets credit.

See where my favorite Communist blog is running a show trial. We do not do much of those here. Show executions, yes, but trial? Why bother. The Party is right, the Army is the Party, the Army is right, Army shoots slacker/dissident/hoarder/criminal and everybody gets back to work. What work gets done when every sits in a court room?

Saturday, November 20, 2004

Chairman Mao too?

It's bad enough that someone is faking my identity to blog, but to impersonate the Glorious Chairman Mao, whom I admire with all fraternal Marxist love? To cheapen his memory with crude stick-people cartoons! I'm sick of this world--you're not going to have it around for much longer if this keeps up.


I left "anonymous commenting" off! There must have been crowds of curious people out there wanting to wish me well! I haven't been so embarassed since I had the wrong houseboy garroted for stealing M&Ms out of my candy dish.

Continue as you were.

Access to the Masses

It's been over a week since I've been doing this, and no comments! This is supposed to be a dialogue, not a monologue! I see you people come by my blog and stare, but just shuffle off without a polite salutation to the Beloved Leader. I am making an effort to be approachable! Am I going to have to have one of you shot as an example? I don't understand you at all.

Friday, November 19, 2004

A Coup?!?

Are you out of your f*cking mind? I just got tired of all of those FAT pictures all over the city! Once I slim down on the Atkins Diet, I'll be on billboards with hot Korean chicks caressing my naughty parts. Kortislim...invented by Marxist heroes. I want my Daddy!


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I had some French guys try to come up with some poster ideas for me. The file with me in the Elvis outfit got corrupted. I'm sure my people can Photoshop something.

It Doesn't Have to be a Picture of Me

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We could rotate through favorite stamps of the DPRK.

Knock that chip off your shoulder

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You Americans think you are so tough because your marines ran through an ragtag mob of illiterate, koran-thumping chuckleheads like a hot chopstick through tofu. I show you tough! I have raised hundreds of all-female brigades just waiting to Kill a Kapitalist for Kim. These honeys train so hard and close that their menses are synchronized! And I staggered them, so that at any given day, I can draw upon dozens of brigades full of cranky, water-bloated heroes of the Democratic Peoples' Republic just raring to kick over a Bradley!

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How about that!

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Pilsung, indeed!

Hey, Gweilo!

Just keep posting the pictures of fine Oriental honeys and leave the political science to your betters! And how dare you make fun of my golf game! That clown's mouth was mighty difficult to hit with it opening and closing like that! And getting the ball through that windmill...Hurculean!

Thursday, November 18, 2004


Great Oh Chin-u's Ghost! Somebody has been blogging in my name! He's so funny, and I agree with everything he had to say, except that English skills part. But, I have no more than an hour or two a day I can't account for, and I thought all the dead Indonesian masseuses explained that. I will keep an eye on this blog.

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

Don't Panic!

I know some of you Westerners are concerned by some of my portraits disappearing around Pyongyang. Don't get excited! I'm having new Glamorshots taken this week. Some in my Marshal's uniform, some in nice gray suit. My faves are those of me in my Nike sweats with the Democratic People's Republic beach volleyball team all around me. Believe me, this will turn little "emigration" problem around.

I've been neglecting my English blog too much. Sorry, I've been working with my language coach...I am quite fluent really, but now today, I see that a black woman will be the face of you Imperialist Americans. So, I've been hitting my Good Times and Yo-MTV tapes to learn the idiom of her kind. All the better to dominate negotiations you will inevitably seek to avoid the mighty fist of my atomic weapons! I will woo her and win her just like I dry-humped that bee-yotch you sent last time. I am Da Man!
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Tuesday, November 16, 2004

Korean Word of the Week

"Mul bol ki" literally waterflogging means to flog a woman wearing wet underwear. Now, you ask is the woman wearing the wet underwear, or the flogger? Ha! LOL! The elephant and pajama dilemma, no?

Monday, November 15, 2004

I was just going through some of my vacation pictures. Do you think I look like Bono? Posted by Hello

Sunday, November 14, 2004


You were like a beloved uncle to me. My dear departed father, Party Leader, President, and Glorious Sun to the Democratic Peoples Republic spoke fondly of you as a Hero to the Oppressed. I've ordered a Period of Mourning for you here in my country; it's not like the peasantry has the energy to do much else, but it's good for them to show respect for one who would send out the poor and ignorant, strapped with explosives, into the ranks of one's enemies.

I'm glad you are at Peace now. You seemed so harried during your visit. I was distressed that my Pleasure/Entertainment Troupes couldn't calm your troubled visage...they've been so good for me, but perhaps your Muslim ways wouldn't let you appreciate my hospitality to the fullest. Still, you gave me a gentle, lingering embrace before you left, so I know you appreciated the gesture, at least. So long, old friend.

Korean Word of the Week

"Pool Pa Da" is a sea of fire. That's what I'll turn any country into that does not give me the respect that I deserve. I'm tempted to raze Hollywood over that Team America: World Police thing, but I love movies too much. Perhaps just those South Park guys.

Greetings, Comrades!

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Annyong! My good brother in Marxism, Vladimir, set me up with this neat Blogger account to send my thoughts to the West. I've got a similar setup for my country where I am The Supreme Being in the NK Dragon Ecosphere. My people are not allowed to read this blog...they keep running up my sitemeter. Stay tuned for nuggets of wisdom and wistful meanderings of thought.