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Beloved Leader: January 2005

Beloved Leader

On-the-spot whimsy and wisdom from a Benevolent Despot.

Saturday, January 29, 2005


Sure we bought a nuclear weapon! Why not get something off-the-rack while we are waiting for something tailormade? We can not go around naked! Well, yes I can, but my palace is a bit drafty. And Korean tailors...you know how they are: "Be ready next Monday Pak-yo-il, Beloved Leader." Then Pak-yo-il rolls around and no suit. "Come back tomorrow, Beloved Leader. Mix-up at factory." So, I cover up the bases, as you say.


From Free North Korea:

In all my life, however, and in all my readings, today is a day for my calendar, for this is the day I read most worst column--indeed, the worst thing--I've ever seen in any broadcast medium with an audience of any size. It is something so ignorant, incoherent, demonstrably false, fevered, and poisonous that I could not not finish reading it. Having now read it, and having since hosed out my wastebasket, I can confidently conclude beyond a reasonable doubt and to a mathematical certainty that never, ever has a mind so small lifted its knuckles from the floor of a cage to fling a turd so mighty against a piece of newsprint. Its author is a man so self-evidently stupid that he would have no hope of finding his own ass with the assistance of two hands and one map. It is that bad. He is that stupid.

Why can't MY boys write like that?

Friday, January 28, 2005

My Little Bunko

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I had this picture as my computer wallpaper several years ago...is she not sweet? I caught one of my bodyguards chuckling behind my back; I only had to pull one of his fingernails out before he confessed that she was a Jap porn star and not just a pretty young model. I was crushed momentarily, but then realized "Hey, she's a Jap." Those capitalists dogs know how to wring a yen out of anything good. They bring in a cute little schoolgirl to service my desires and she gets a portrait of me and a new pair of shoes. Off she goes, content that she has done her duty to her Fatherland and her Father Figure (good tune, that...wonder what that guy is up to lately?) Jap schoolgirls bang guys on video for money and fame? Infamy, more like it. Do they not have parents? I am sure the filthy lucre their young tramp brings home assuages their great sense of shame.

Assuages...did I use that right? I reminds me of sausages...I think I will go have dinner now.

Sunday, January 23, 2005

I am the Sun and the Moon...Venus too

I just had a chongchon pyorak thought in the hot tub last night. I was enjoying a cognac and a Cuban with a few Party chairmen and some select entertainers when I glanced at my work calendar which was laid across my sun-motif bathrobe.

All of the Korean days of the week correspond directly to the same heavenly bodies referenced by the West!

The Cuban confirmed this for me. She supplied the Spanish while I plugged in the English. I give you another Korean lesson. Even though the Spanish screwed up the weekends, probably for church shit, everything else fits.

Sunday...obviously, the Sun. Il-yo-il (Il is the "sun" sino character, just like in my name, yo-il is day of the week) in Korean.

Monday...the Moon. Lunes in Spanish. Wol-yo-il (Wol = moon character).

Tuesday, Martes. Hwa-yo-il (Hwa is the fire character). Hwasong "Firestar" is Korean for Mars.

Wednesday, Miercoles. Su-yo-il (Su is water). Susong "Waterstar" is Mercury.

Thursday, Jueves. Mog-yo-il (Mok is wood). Mogsong "Woodstar" is Jupiter.

Friday, Viernes. Kum-yo-il (Kum, same as Kim, is Gold). Kumsong "Goldstar (They make shitty TVs)" is Venus.

Saturday...Saturn. To-yo-il (To is dirt), Tosong "Dirtstar" is Saturn.

If that is not just plain creepy, look at the rest of the planets.

Uranus = Chon Wang Song (Sky King Star)

Neptune = Hae Wang Song (Sea King Star)

Pluto = Myong Wang Song (Dead King Star)

They are all named after someone else's mythology, even in Korean! I must fix this shit! There is no reason we must soil our daily lives with names derived in some alien culture!

My proposal is to name them after great Korean names!
Kim-yo-il...a day off for the masses

Gee...it is a good thing there are only seven days...I was running out.
The planets I can rename after superperforming factories, like "Kimchaek Ironworks Star," or something. Let me have another cognac and I will think on it.

Korean Word of the Week - 22 Jan

Chongchon Pyorak - Literally "Blue sky thunder," in your idiom, "a bolt from the blue."

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

Oh, I have a Blog

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I forgot. Sorry.

I have scored 80% of the T-Shirt rights! It is a lot snappier than the rants of the graffiti contestants taking part in my nationwide contest. Just think of the opportunities...I have a Hangul version (using a different idiom) to sell to those rubes in the south. I can use the profits to build a few more meth labs or share my largesse with the masses. If you have a better T-Shirt slogan, leave it in Comments or Email me your graphic at belovedldr - at - yahoo.com. You could get free meth for life or a parade in your honor in downtown Pyongyang.

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

Korean Word of the Week, 11 Jan

Noun + Suffix Hwa = "-ize"

Noun kigye (machine) + hwa = kigyehwa "mechanize"

Noun hyundae (modern...yeah, those puppets think that) + hwa = hyundaehwa "modernize"

Bette Davis + hwa = Bette Davis-ize.

Sunday, January 09, 2005

It's 2005!

Not 2006. I lost a week worth of Pulitzer-level genius posting. Oh, well, there is more where that came from.

Okay...I have not written squat this year. I sit in front of CNN and drink myself into a stupor. This tsunami weapon the Americans have engineered is terrifying. They kill a quarter million Muslims with the water, then hand out blankets and water bottles and cholera vectors and before you know it, genocide! I am surprised they did not just explode Krakatoa again. May be that is next. Back to the TV.