Catchy, No?

Excerpt from the Manual - 12

Three of the five agents employing the Three Stooges Defence in hand-to-hand combat have been blinded by Lee Press-On Nails.

Strange

He does not look Buddhist.

Do Not Disturb

Too late.

I am disturbed.

I was turbed this morning.

Train Them Early

Excerpt from the Manual - 11

Anti-Defection Device #6071


What started out as a set of explosive buttons and belt buckle intended to obliterate any traitors to the Fatherland on radio command became a happy accident, when quantities of Semtex became difficult to obtain. Resorting to lower quality plastic explosives, we produced a device equally effective, as it preys upon the the human nightmare of appearing in public in ones undergarments.

This despicable example of human garbage was an embassy clerk in Switzerland who ditched his keepers in the crowd. Like a good Korean, he awaits his death stoically.

State Security always gets their man.

Boltor

Or BOLTRON!

Barbarian

"You don't normally engage in conversations by threatening to launch intercontinental ballistic missiles, and it's not a way to produce a conversation because if you acquiesce in aberrant behavior, you simply encourage the repetition of it, which we're obviously not going to do," Bolton told reporters at U.N. headquarters in New York.

We would have done this the Asian way, but by the look of your poofy, gay biscuit-duster, my people would have trouble finding something to your liking, Mister Bolt-On.

Yesssss

Glorious World Attention! Take that, Acetominojad! I am taking this "Missile" Thing and jogging with it. Lift the Sanctions, Bush! I have got a frightful missile that can turn Seattle into a Sea of Fire! In another decade, I might be able to hit a state that votes for your party!

Hmm...that might be why the negotiations are stalled.

How Rumours Get Started

I was doing my aerobic surfing the other afternoon and found some photos of some some bikini-clad minyos. I remarked aloud that something like that was worth "my heatseeking moisture missile." One of my sycophant typists piped in "Beloved Leader, that must be the Largest Missile in the Fatherland's Arsenal!" (Yes, she Capitalizes in her speech.)

From this sprouted the buzz that the Korean Peoples Army is planning to launch a Taepodong ballistic missile! Time for a thumbscrew-and-sodium-pentathol party for the typing pool.

Wish They Could All Be Wonsan Girls

In Case You Are Wondering

Yes, I am back blogging. For today, anyway. Last week, the Light Industry Minister brought me a case of the new energy drink one of his bureaus is developing. I had a few Red Boars with lunch. Not bad except for the dirty ginseng aftertaste. And the raging priapism it inflicted on me. So, why waste it? I added to my Legend by servicing the 34th Bodyguard Platoon before dinner, then the typing clerks (a couple of real lookers there), and spent the evening soaking in a tub of cold water. I couldn't sleep for three days, so I did get some blog reading done. I do not know if any permanent damage has been done, but I had the rest of the case flushed down the toilet. Minister So is humping bricks at a construction site now.

I Like This Guy Already

I must Blogroll him.

Hate Me

Fear me.

But Respect me.

Excerpts from the Manual - 10

This is the enemy. Do not be fooled by the soft skin, pouty lips, and oh-so tender hands. She would just as soon call down artillery on you as she would eat mandu. She would aerate your body with her rifle, drop fiery death on your family, and deface your ancestral burial mounds with her used feminine hygiene products. Our Fatherland and Way of Life is in peril at her hands.

I think they got a little mellow/dramatic with this one. She is just a girl.

Excerpt from the Manual - 9

This was not published in the manual; just stuck in there...with something. I am going to wash my hands.

Freaking Peeking Toms

After my new friend Hugo gets the oil shipments going, I am going to teach those air pirates a thing of two about territorial sovereignty.

General Hong says we do not need the extra gas, since that will only tempt our pilots to defect. I suspect he is pessimystic about the outcome of an encounter. What? Do RC-135s have tail-gunners?

Not Business As Usual?

You mean you are not supposed to get inspectors laid?

Those IAEA guys are in for a disappointment if they ever come back.

Excerpt from the Manual - 8

This one makes me uncomfortable, yet strangely aroused. I can not find the instructional text.